Stranger Conversations

Friends have commented from time to time about how much information I glean from a single conversation with a total stranger. On reflection, I guess that is true. So, I offer some direction in that regard, prefaced with comment.

Living in a foreign environment often requires asking for local information. I suppose that is the impetus of my penchant for talking with strangers. Beyond that, I find stranger conversation an excellent way to learn things and quench my insatiable curiosity. What my HS geometry teacher called “That driving thirst for knowledge.” As a lad, I was naturally shy and kept company only with a few close friends and family. My time in the very open environment at Esalen and advancing years, have given me the confidence, desire and license to engage total strangers. That license is particularly valid in foreign countries, where I’m the only Gringo in sight, and thus enjoy a certain novelty and latitude. Now, the “talking points”:

1.      Choose the venue – Some places offer better conversation opportunities than others. My favorite place is on a bus, particularly a long bus ride, more common overseas than in the US. I also appreciate the small restaurant custom of seating strangers at a shared table. I wish there was more of that in the US. Sitting down on a park or plaza bench next to a stranger has also yielded good results for me.

2.      Be bold – Fear of rejection or inadequacy is a huge impediment to reaching out to strangers. Emily Post used to consider it “poor etiquette” to engage in conversation before being formally introduced.  In the US, kids are even indoctrinated with the ridiculous “Stranger Danger”, which may inhibit their ability to reach out for life. It certainly represents a step outside the normal Comfort Zone. Some level of boldness and risk are needed to make contact. But the rewards and satisfaction from the human connection can be enormous for both parties.

3.      Be respectful – The balance between bold and respectful is a tricky one. Some folks are just not interested or are otherwise engaged. Respect their desire for privacy and learn to read the body language that says “Thanks, but no thanks”. I find that overseas, most folks are actually flattered that a Gringo wants to talk with them in their own language. The ability to read body language is helpful.

4.      Relax - Put folks at ease with a casual and relaxed manner. If I am preoccupied in thought or otherwise distracted – that’s not the time to strike up a conversation. A smile goes a long way towards putting folks at ease. Though a forced smile is perhaps worse than none at all.

5.      Ask questions – The best way to learn is to simply ASK. It’s not an interrogation, so questions should come from a place of genuine curiosity. Almost any statement has questions hidden inside it. Everyone has a story to tell. The joy is in finding it and letting them tell it.

6.      Find commonalities – Establishing a common interest can make a quick bond of trust. But, it can also be a trap – ensuring the conversation won’t leave the bounds of the common interest.

7.      Eye contact – I always feel more connected when there is eye contact. I find this to be difficult in Latin countries where generations of servitude have created a custom of looking down around “the boss man”. Some subtle body language can elicit an eye response and help erase years of inferiority, with the eye contact message of respect, that “you are my equal”.

8.      Allow “the long pause” – I try (and often fail) not to respond immediately, but allow a “long pause”. This seems to invite and give “permission” for the other person to continue or elaborate. The pause says “Please, tell me more.”

9.      Lose your agenda – Let the conversation go wherever it wants, rather than where you want it to go.

10.   Really LISTEN – Maybe the hardest thing of all. We all tend to start formulating a response well before the other has finished speaking. I am certainly guilty as charged. But, I’ve found that if I focus on the other’s mouth, it helps keep me from jumping the gun.

As Jimmy Buffet says “It works for me. It might work for you.”  I’m no expert - I simply enjoy the human contact and learning new things. The above is just my own codified list of what works for me. It may not work for you. If it does, I’m glad. You are helping promote human connection, understanding and friendship. And maybe you learn some interesting things and make new friends along the way.

In this increasingly fearful, suspicious and isolating world, we can all combat the separations, prejudices and divisions by simply reaching out to others. A thoughtful conversation is great, but even a simple greeting, genuine compliment, friendly wave and/or smile will do.